hardhat area

i am officially under construction.

not my career.

not my blob.

me.

"i never thought this was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows." 

~ bart simpson

every now and again, i go through a surge of energy, or lack thereof, which reminds me that i need yet another change. 

no, nothing remains the same, and you're a deluded camper if you believe it does.

i get stuck holding onto the idea that shit will be stable. i could not be so lucky. 

would that even be luck anyway?

i know what the new-agers and precious so-and-sos say: 

you asked for it. 

you made it this way. 

you chose to be in this life exactly as you are. 

now- maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.

either way, i have a little response:

you go, vern! stick it to the man!

maybe construction is the incorrect word. 

destruction and renovation would fit my scenario better. 

i'm not old enough for this to be a mid-life crisis. 

even if i was, i do not want to have an affair or desire to purchase a pricy sports car. 

or do this:

fuck her, too

so what am i whining about now? whaaaaa!

something is stagnant and leeching energy within me. 

this is not the normal run-o-the mill blues. 

it's bigger than that. 

it is not the can't-find-real-employment [for fucking 7 months] song and dance routine either. 

i know it's hard out there. 

in case you do not know this- 

over 20% of people in this shit country which i love, are unemployed. one in five. 

please count yourself lucky if you have a real fucking job. 

and don't waste your breath saying it's not hard to find one, or some other dumb shit. 

i have heard it all.

one lump, or two, bitches?

it's also not the fact that i feel trapped in a home and town that's not home.

been there too, done that before.

i spring back.

bigger and more fierce than i, yet as resilient? 

nope.

getting back to the destruction and renovation of yours truly, 

i am in a place of wonder and possibility as to what's next. 

i'm talking abstract concepts, not linear shifts like an exercise program, 

or some other mundane [yet important] change. 

perhaps some abstract time in nature would help me

i don't have the patience and focus to meditate, i have too much energy moshing around within for that. 

i know i need a walk, but, jesus fucking rollerskating christ, will it ever stop raining? 

it's been forever!

umbrellas don't protect one from asshole drivers who find it funny/get a hard-on while they drive over huge puddles on purpose. [splash gordons.]

funny only on tv. not if it's you. really.

i actually know my purpose on this godforsaken planet, but how to execute it?

no fucking clue.

ohh yeahhhh- that's the ticket!

i guess i need to art it out. 

make shit, get the unneeded crap out of the way, 

to make room for some real answers in my head, heart and soul.