gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

hardhat area

i am officially under construction.
not my career.
not my blob.

"i never thought this was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows." 
~ bart simpson

every now and again, i go through a surge of energy, or lack thereof, which reminds me that i need yet another change
no, nothing remains the same, and you're a deluded camper if you believe it does.
i get stuck holding onto the idea that shit will be stable. i could not be so lucky. 
would that even be luck anyway?
i know what the new-agers and precious so-and-sos say: 
you asked for it. 
you made it this way. 
you chose to be in this life exactly as you are. 
now- maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.

either way, i have a little response:

you go, vern! stick it to the man!

maybe construction is the incorrect word. 
destruction and renovation would fit my scenario better. 
i'm not old enough for this to be a mid-life crisis. 
even if i was, i do not want to have an affair or desire to purchase a pricy sports car. 
or do this:

fuck her, too

so what am i whining about now? whaaaaa!
something is stagnant and leeching energy within me. 
this is not the normal run-o-the mill blues. 
it's bigger than that. 
it is not the can't-find-real-employment [for fucking 7 months] song and dance routine either. 
i know it's hard out there. 
in case you do not know this- 
over 20% of people in this shit country which i love, are unemployed. one in five. 
please count yourself lucky if you have a real fucking job. 
and don't waste your breath saying it's not hard to find one, or some other dumb shit. 
i have heard it all.

one lump, or two, bitches?

it's also not the fact that i feel trapped in a home and town that's not home.
been there too, done that before.
i spring back.

bigger and more fierce than i, yet as resilient? 

getting back to the destruction and renovation of yours truly, 
i am in a place of wonder and possibility as to what's next. 
i'm talking abstract concepts, not linear shifts like an exercise program, 
or some other mundane [yet important] change. 

perhaps some abstract time in nature would help me

i don't have the patience and focus to meditate, i have too much energy moshing around within for that. 
i know i need a walk, but, jesus fucking rollerskating christ, will it ever stop raining? 
it's been forever!
umbrellas don't protect one from asshole drivers who find it funny/get a hard-on while they drive over huge puddles on purpose. [splash gordons.]

funny only on tv. not if it's you. really.

i actually know my purpose on this godforsaken planet, but how to execute it?
no fucking clue.

ohh yeahhhh- that's the ticket!

i guess i need to art it out
make shit, get the unneeded crap out of the way, 
to make room for some real answers in my head, heart and soul. 


  1. Another great post... Thanks a lot... no really... thanks for making me think of everything I have to get done - I was happy procrastinating; then you came along... so thanks a lot - for the post. ;)

  2. Nothing cures the blues like the...uh...Blues. On a kazoo.

  3. Oh hell V, we're supposed to be good at this. Feeling trapped, broken and at the bits. And we bounce. Come around better than before.
    But the fucking rain never stops. Might as well just get wet. =)
    You go girl, just turn up the creative juices and spread it!

  4. Artistic angst sucks. And it is necessary. And that sucks.

  5. so, last night, in my cloud of angsty bitchdom, i took out some crafty art supplies, and made the shittiest piece of crap i have made in a long time.
    i guess i need to plug away at it, make more crap until the fog breaks.
    turd. this sucks.
    and i am trying to cut caffeine during the week, [for avoiding anxiety purposes] and am riddled with headaches.
    sometimes doing the best things for us feels the worst.
    big picture time, i guess.


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