i am officially under construction.
not my career.
not my blob.
"i never thought this was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows."
~ bart simpson
every now and again, i go through a surge of energy, or lack thereof, which reminds me that i need yet another change.
no, nothing remains the same, and you're a deluded camper if you believe it does.
i get stuck holding onto the idea that shit will be stable. i could not be so lucky.
would that even be luck anyway?
i know what the new-agers and precious so-and-sos say:
you asked for it.
you made it this way.
you chose to be in this life exactly as you are.
now- maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.
either way, i have a little response:
you go, vern! stick it to the man!
maybe construction is the incorrect word.
destruction and renovation would fit my scenario better.
i'm not old enough for this to be a mid-life crisis.
even if i was, i do not want to have an affair or desire to purchase a pricy sports car.
or do this:
fuck her, too
so what am i whining about now? whaaaaa!
something is stagnant and leeching energy within me.
this is not the normal run-o-the mill blues.
it's bigger than that.
it is not the can't-find-real-employment [for fucking 7 months] song and dance routine either.
i know it's hard out there.
in case you do not know this-
over 20% of people in this shit country which i love, are unemployed. one in five.
please count yourself lucky if you have a real fucking job.
and don't waste your breath saying it's not hard to find one, or some other dumb shit.
i have heard it all.
one lump, or two, bitches?
it's also not the fact that i feel trapped in a home and town that's not home.
been there too, done that before.
i spring back.
bigger and more fierce than i, yet as resilient?
getting back to the destruction and renovation of yours truly,
i am in a place of wonder and possibility as to what's next.
i'm talking abstract concepts, not linear shifts like an exercise program,
or some other mundane [yet important] change.
perhaps some abstract time in nature would help me
i don't have the patience and focus to meditate, i have too much energy moshing around within for that.
i know i need a walk, but, jesus fucking rollerskating christ, will it ever stop raining?
it's been forever!
umbrellas don't protect one from asshole drivers who find it funny/get a hard-on while they drive over huge puddles on purpose. [splash gordons.]
funny only on tv. not if it's you. really.
i actually know my purpose on this godforsaken planet, but how to execute it?
no fucking clue.
ohh yeahhhh- that's the ticket!
i guess i need to art it out.
make shit, get the unneeded crap out of the way,
to make room for some real answers in my head, heart and soul.