cat power doesn't blame you

i have had quite a delightful day thus far. 

it's 11:41p.m.- at this exact moment. 

for the last 4 days, i can't stop listening to this song:

Peel sessions - Amazing Live Version

i heard this years ago, and although i love it,  and the album-  "you are free"- in general, the song i don't blame you has rung a personal chord [sorry for the pun] as of recent. 

regardless of speculated historical reasoning for the details of the lyrical story, it is a beautiful song, succulent with passion and compassion. 

how marvelous! 

[but how can it not be, chan marshall's voice is so smokey and amazing...]

it's 11:48 p.m.

i guess i am both a hopeless romantic, daydreaming my way through life, weaving fables i sometimes take place in, and an astronomer, calculating the distances between bodies traveling in orbits, and their relationships with one another- 

worlds both visible and invisible. 

recently, drifting in and out of my fore-brain are the the concepts of past/present, ideas about the difference between folks who are presently consistent in my life and those just passing through, and the pre-surgence of energy to push my creative legacy into be-ing. 

my day has thus been serendipitous, starting with an early a.m. message from a long-lost friend, to an unplanned surprise visit from the boy, to the meeting of 3 other dear friends and included 5$ combo drink specials to boot. 

oh, and i saw great music, live. 

just because i decided to take a different street home.

or not because- anything...

because- 

i don't believe in coincidences.

12:06 

the story of earlier tonight:

i left work late, and decided to dip onto my favorite modest watering hole afterward. 

after one round [of pbr and a shot of whiskey, both- for a five-spot] i found myself having a quasi-one-sided conversation with a feisty regular patron about philosophical inherent truth. 

[we may have disagreed with his soliloquy's points.]

the dog chases it's tail. 

rwewrwrooooff.

then long lost friend 2 walked in, and sat down to my right. 

stereophonic silliness ensued.

she was performing tonight. 

nice.

blabbedy blab blabedy.

 then friends number 3 and 4 strolled in. 

2, 3 and 4 hugged and made niceties. 

what?

i did not know they were friends and nonetheless worked together prior.

3 and 4 insisted that i stay on and watch the performances for the night.

i agreed.

12:33 a.m. currently.

and holy shit, i was totally going to leave before friend 2 du jour even walked in. 

so glad i had more swill in my glass when she walked in.

when 2 was done with her great set, this artsy-fartsy/artsy-smartsy band played. [called now you/hello dust?]  

i also ate chinese takeout, between acts, while sitting on a wall tonight. 

i used the chopsticks i already had in my purse. 

[veggies/rice stir-fry, and scallion pancake. yummers.]

12:48 in the eve

i exchanged info with everybody today. 

 metaphysical info. creative info. etherial info. contact info. 

the idea of friends/friendships all being uncertain, like life, has been mind-blowing; 

let's say for a two to twenty-two month span. 

my present friends are saying: 

shut up, 

fuck those who aren't there any more- especially for bullshit reasons- 

and in general, tell me just how silly i have been, acting all upset and overly nostalgic. 

i have some audacity complaining to those who actively love me- honestly! 

i accept the rediculous crap i am capable of. 

1:18 a.m., and all's well.

not that i won't continue to take my friendships seriously, but i will try to be mindful and flexible with the concept of them being forever, no matter how much i may treasure them. 

the same goes for any relationship. 

i mean, what type of connection lasts- always? 

genetic?

and getting back to the friends thing, friend 1 and i both moved and changed employ so many times since we were in contact, it was easy to lose touch due to those facts. to friend 2, i may have said some stupid insensitive words to, and made an ass of myself. and 3/4 i thought i lost in the great emancipation. but i thought of them all often.

1:33 and i find myself growing sleepyish.

moral:

people come, and people go, and some people return.

i want to travel

2:46 in the wee hours

p.s. enjoy the cancer/cancer solar eclipse, bitches! the third in a row of three eclipses in 31 days. wow.
3:11 a.m. as i type this. 

the thank you blob-roll: volume one- dumbass religious fanatics

today i gift to you, oh dear readers, a juicy new segment i will call

  the thank you blob-roll.

it will comprise of stupid shit i see and gasp at when i hit the "next blob" button. 

this, according to my predictions, will be a regular occurrence. and since you all know how i feel about the overwhelming amount of idiots who blob on a regular basis, i should not want for inspiration. 

yet due to the fact that i am aware that i have bitch tendencies, but am not an evil twat, i will keep the identities of said morons anonymous. as in- no links to their jerkoffism. 

sorry charlies. 

i know you want to stalk them and send them inappropriate messages. 

that's what i love about you. 

aaheeemmmm, here goes:

some dickwad is actually & seriously calling himself:

  daddy's little hand of god, and heaven's dew.  

what does this sound like to you?

i imagine daddy's little hand of god something like this:

"ohhh moses"

"ohhhh god"

and heaven's dew:

i know for a fact that horses have hearty dew. for a fact.

some people are all "i love jesus" and then post pics of themselves with their toddler daughters on their lap looking like a fucking nasty pedophile, [probably is] calling themselves daddy's little hand of god, and the daughter heaven's dew.

i swear, if i had a large polo mallet, and his fucking address... 

and on that note- here's a little something special i want you all to have:

spank that ass game

i got a 444

hardhat area

i am officially under construction.

not my career.

not my blob.

me.

"i never thought this was humanly possible, but this both sucks and blows." 

~ bart simpson

every now and again, i go through a surge of energy, or lack thereof, which reminds me that i need yet another change. 

no, nothing remains the same, and you're a deluded camper if you believe it does.

i get stuck holding onto the idea that shit will be stable. i could not be so lucky. 

would that even be luck anyway?

i know what the new-agers and precious so-and-sos say: 

you asked for it. 

you made it this way. 

you chose to be in this life exactly as you are. 

now- maybe it's true, and maybe it's not.

either way, i have a little response:

you go, vern! stick it to the man!

maybe construction is the incorrect word. 

destruction and renovation would fit my scenario better. 

i'm not old enough for this to be a mid-life crisis. 

even if i was, i do not want to have an affair or desire to purchase a pricy sports car. 

or do this:

fuck her, too

so what am i whining about now? whaaaaa!

something is stagnant and leeching energy within me. 

this is not the normal run-o-the mill blues. 

it's bigger than that. 

it is not the can't-find-real-employment [for fucking 7 months] song and dance routine either. 

i know it's hard out there. 

in case you do not know this- 

over 20% of people in this shit country which i love, are unemployed. one in five. 

please count yourself lucky if you have a real fucking job. 

and don't waste your breath saying it's not hard to find one, or some other dumb shit. 

i have heard it all.

one lump, or two, bitches?

it's also not the fact that i feel trapped in a home and town that's not home.

been there too, done that before.

i spring back.

bigger and more fierce than i, yet as resilient? 

nope.

getting back to the destruction and renovation of yours truly, 

i am in a place of wonder and possibility as to what's next. 

i'm talking abstract concepts, not linear shifts like an exercise program, 

or some other mundane [yet important] change. 

perhaps some abstract time in nature would help me

i don't have the patience and focus to meditate, i have too much energy moshing around within for that. 

i know i need a walk, but, jesus fucking rollerskating christ, will it ever stop raining? 

it's been forever!

umbrellas don't protect one from asshole drivers who find it funny/get a hard-on while they drive over huge puddles on purpose. [splash gordons.]

funny only on tv. not if it's you. really.

i actually know my purpose on this godforsaken planet, but how to execute it?

no fucking clue.

ohh yeahhhh- that's the ticket!

i guess i need to art it out. 

make shit, get the unneeded crap out of the way, 

to make room for some real answers in my head, heart and soul. 

calendars are not in my cards

i find it difficult to abide by linear time; to live by the julian calendar is a challenge- especially since i misplaced my paper calendar. [i don't like online calendars, so forget that.] 

but back to the linear thing- 

i don't learn that way, or strive to achieve my goals in that way either. 

this seemingly has caused much frustration to those around me who do live this way, but so what? that's not my problem. 

if we were all alike life would be lame. mega lame. white baseball caps lame. eew.

so, i do my best, i get to work on time, chart my period and stuff like that, but if it weren't for text/email reminders to pay my bills, i'd be shut off completely. 

on occasion, i like to remember certain days though. especially if they are important to me- like a vacation [what's that?] or days i do/don't have to go in to work. i don't remember most birthdays, but remember friends' astro sun signs. and if i have an anniversary- i most likely will not remember it. i did once. i guess it's not very important to me. 

that being said...

today was the summer solstice. june 21st. how did i miss this?

every year [or 99% of the time] i forget what day is what- as in the number of the day, and i still haven't tried to balance an egg upright! 

really, i forgot again?!?

i'm bummed, but in effort to do something solsticey, i lit some candles to honor the elements of the season, and did a tarot reading using the new deck i just bought a couple weeks ago. i pulled random cards with this deck before, but had not done a proper reading. 

solstice is a perfect day/reason to read.

was crowley a misunderstood genius, 

or a sycophantic madman?

the spread

lots of fire and air energies in store for me this summer. fitting for a hot season, no? 

looks like i need to stay on track, and work even harder to achieve my goals. 

go figure... is there ever a break?

also- recently,  i keep pulling the hierophant card over and over.

i guess it's time to stop resisting the lesson of the hierophant, and get to listening.

who will be my strong [expert/occult-ish] masculine life guide? 

i hope he's kind, and patient with me.

like this master:

i'm under her spell

so, although i forgot to try and balance the egg, i did a couple earthy things today. 

like make this:

banana oat bread with almond slivers. 

"grumpy piggy" cutting board courtesy of the late great grandpa.

and this:

-up close and personal-

but this one's baked with currants!

i hope someone out there remembered to balance an egg!

just this guy...

wait, is that a bong in the background? thumbs up!

on second thought, maybe calendars are in my cards- 

the hierophant is into order and shit like that... damn, i'm screwed!

anyway- happy summer, bitches!!!