misconstrued teen assumptions revisited

"if i knew what i do now, when i was your age, i'd..."*

blahblahblah

you'd what, buddy?

save the world,

have a million bucks?

never do that dumb thing?

 walking to school, uphill, both ways, four miles, in the snow 

i always hated when people said that* to me, or even around me.

i thought it was a pompous ageist blanket-statement.

but today, this is what i am contending with:

feeling very pretty

no, that is not a tear of sadness.

nor it is a pearl... 

of wisdom.

au contraire, 

it is but a blob of {colgate brand} toothpaste;

in the ever-so-refreshing flavor of "extra-whitening." 

in other words, 

i am rocking the "i cannot believe it's a pimple" pimple.

wtf?

i'm no spring chickie, people. 

 chirp chirp cluck 

initially, i thought while i was going through my cage-match with puberty, that i had won.

 wrong. 

in reality, it went like this:

 violet - 0, puberty - 1 

so, i was laughing at how minty fresh i was feeling, 

en visage, 

and also checking my emails.

i mention this colgate-inspired issue in a quick reply, 

and my friend emails the following to me:

  "All 16 year olds have pimples, Ms. Ringwald!"  

which makes me laugh, 

in part, because it is a sweet inside family-ish joke we share, 

and also because it's a generous and darling compliment.

which, naturally, 

i simply cannot get enough of.

duh.

fast forward to right now:

when i ask j. how long i needed to leave this glop on my cheek, 

he says

  "at least 2 hours."  

 "sweet baby jesus, reeeally?" 

i sincerely hope that the extra-whitening-ness 

does not

leave an extra white spot on my 

extra tanned 

face.

 verdict: 

 violet - 0, puberty - 2 

my vagina makes the world go round

please watch this. i promise you will not regret it.

now, wasn't that informative?

when i saw this mess of a commercial on sunday, i shrieked in laughter quite heartily- and almost spewed my juice out through my nose. 

what else could i do, but call up my gays and scream in hysterics about it on their voice mail. 

dang, those bears sleep in late!

 i believe in hailing to all the amazing vaginas of the world, and have friends who call me v or vv, so i am no stranger to the vagina reference or whathaveyou, but now i feel like there is another level of rediculousness i am a part of- no matter how indirectly.

and in spite of the convincing ad, i don't advocate deodorant sprays or disinfectant shampoo for your snatch. 

ladies- a nice wet washcloth with some gentle scrubbing should do the trick.

and if yo junk reeks like skunk- call a doctor, please.

pussy shampoo: 

now in bacon and cheddar flavor.

guess who?

p.s. just a note to all you lovers of the prized v: {95% of the world, that is,} please take the pussy in your life seriously. 

get her checked out yearly by a m.d., 

and please, for the love of all good,

 learn the proper terms for her and all her related parts, 

as well as explore ways to make her feel her best. 

this is 2011, "down there" is a fucking insulting term. 

grow up.

own your parts proudly.

there is no time for shame, ladies. 

that ship sailed a looooong time ago.

90% of you men know or love a pussy

and for those of you folks who have daughters, please teach them the proper terminology and care for their vaginas as well. 

think about it, healthy little girls grow up to be healthy women. 

after all, we all came from vagina.

i am glad i have one. 

don't want a penis.

never did.

a link for you, just in case you were in the dark about the blessed beginnings of the civilized world:

thank me later for not posting medical photos!

i'm verklempt! i will give you a topic-

"circumvention has nothing to with circumcision OR interventions..." 

"discuss!"

newsflash!!!

it has been brought to my attention that i am a rambler.

as in blahblahblahblahblah...

a circular talker.

a virgo.

a lady.

lady godiva was a freedom rider 

well, not exactly a lady, per se, but a female human person.

did you know that many women are known to occasionally speak in circles until they/we get to the point?
and it is also said that many human men are said to storm through an idea verbally, in the "a to b" style?
i was unaware of these gross generalizations, until this past week.
not one, but three men who are very close to me informed me about my little habit. 

or shall i say- our little habit?!?
yes, that feels better.

fuck you, long-eared jerboa,

i will sucker-punch you in your cute and tiny face.

watch your back, bitch.

i had always prided myself [falsely?] upon being a direct person. 

i speak clearly from my mind, or heart. 

directly.

or so i thought.

but last night- the straw broke the camel's back.

"violet, are you drunk?" one guy-pal asked me on the phone.

seriously, what the hell?

"no, are you fucking drunk?"

"no!
well,
it's just that you rambled on
soooooooo long
to tell me that
one thing
that..."

let's get the led out, shall we?

at that point, 

i stopped listening. 

i heard the word rambling.

enough said...

i stopped there.

ice ice baby, to go!

how dare someone tell moi,
that i,
blessed queen of communication,
of both word and free-form dance expressions,
am a rambler- a circumblahblahblaher?

go around

but instead of getting right back on the high horse i fell off of,
i laughed. 

after all, i did take 5 minutes to try and explain...
what was i saying again?

 i have no clue.

nada.

zip.

since i was a kid, i always loved this photo

but on the other hand,
i have been told by many past and present dearies, whom i totally respect and mutually adore,
that they love me for my rambling colloquialisms! 

so, in the greatest sense of the phrase,
i am a gratuitous violet. 

i love doug savage.

fact.

take me- ramblings and all!

and since i started this dumb pointless ramble, i forgot what i originally intended to blob about.

indestructible. 

blob.

you're welcome.

hi- my name is violet, and i ramble -
occasionally,
to the point of short-term amnesia.

where was i...?

and just so you know-
it took me 3 days to post this bullshit.
no exaggeration.

talk about round-about

the thank you blob-roll: volume two- a wonky whitman's sampler

it's upon us again, the gratuitousness you have grown to love so... it's the thank you blob-roll featuring idiocy from all over the globe, 

and with us today, we have:

~ a young woman giving tips on fun stuff to do in the summer. 

let's take a peek, shall we? 

      Help others by:  

  Dressing, speaking, and acting like Jesus!  

fuck the beach, i'm donning a burlap sack [or just a tattered loincloth,] and a wicked awesome faux beard. 

then maybe i can walk on water and shit. 

or turn some agua into grapa. i'll be a hit at bbq's. 

more than i already am, that is.

just like mama used to make

~ and another holy roller mother[fucker] who has history down pat with:

  Jesus Himself created the world  

my brain may explode if i linger on the above statement for too long!

oh jesus. oh kids. oh jesus. oh kids... 

~ then there was the lazy blob with all the photos posted sideways. dumb, boring, out-of-focus photos.

 wow, i really want to read on now! thanks, stupid.

maybe her dome is fashioned like this: 

eek!!!

~ and yet another god-loving family blob about these people who are [sub]missionaries around the world, telling all the little brown heathens bullshit a'la fear-based, self-reighteous lies- to scare the shit out of them into submission, and this is one statement i especially enjoyed:

  God is doing something amazing in Panama.  

he is? 

is it as amazing as what this guy did for panama?

i seriously doubt it.

 

assless chaps win. every time.

~ not surprised to hit another one of these unoriginal bores: 

  I love my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! He rocks my socks off!!  

rocks her socks off? 

idiot. 

dj lance rock from yo gabba gabba rocks my socks off!

i swear, i just clicked the next blob>> button and hit after fucking hit, everyone on blogger loves the shit out of jesus. 

where are the perverted kinky blobs, or the nascar blobs? 

next blob>>.

~ a fatalistic pastor opens up about the apopolypse. 

[that's when the end happens while we enjoy cherry ice pops.]

he says: 

     So, Saturday the 21st is the day the world comes to an end!   

  To be honest I cannot wait for that day. The Bible even says that we should pray for it.  

and i retort with:

 "we have to pray, just to make it today!" -mc hammer

~ some lady [of a family blob] only posts about what she eats every day. as in : 

this morning, i had a cereal bar by x brand for breakfast, grapefruit slices for a late morning snack, fat free turkey on wheat toast with mustard, and 3 pickle chips with black coffee for lunch... complete snooze alert. 

for the love of pete, can't she eat better/more interesting foods... she can't be trying to lose weight, she's an old frail-looking twig already.

 aw snap!

please excuse the odd font formatting, i have no idea why it's all wonky, but it too, suffers from whitman's sampler-itis.

patrio-blob

to honor what we usa-ites call independence day- i wanted to share with you my own thoughts little brain farts @ this day. 

i will do so using the talents and creative geniuses of others though. 

recycling, if you will. 

what can i say, i go green whenever i can!

simply put: "team america: world police" is amazing amazing stuff- the entire thing, start to end. 

if you haven't seen it, you must have been living under a rock or in north korea with the cutest dictator ever... so, i suggest that you go now and rent it buy it. 

america, fuck yeah!

aaawwwwwww. isn't he fucking adorable?

here's a great quote from the film "dazed and confused" from teacher Ms. Ginny Stroud: Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes. 

i think many usa-ites are dazed and confused. i know that i can be.

we all have *"american" heroes, and some are super.

you're a wonder, wonder woman! 

and i know that the romanticism of our national anthem with it's fucking rockets red glare, and bombs bursting in air, combined with people's love to explode shit gives cred to this shit:

ooohhhh and ahhhh, etc.

but it smells like shit, is awful for the environment, 

and truth be told... gives me vietnam flashbacks.

so, i can only deal with them in small doses.

yeah yeah yeah, i know it's pretty.

shut up.

nothing is more american than apple pie, or so i hear. 

but for the love of god- eat it plain or with vanilla ice cream only! 

who puts cheese on their pie?

lunatics, that's who!

and it has to be made 100 % by scratch, or it's not worth eating.

i make the best apple pie on the planet. fact. 

*america is a continent, not a country. i think the fact that "we" call our country america makes "us" look stupid. couldn't the forefathers have come up with something better?

that and some a-hole who named his son JEB. fucking really... jeb? 

gawd bless amurikah.

 happy fourth, bitches!