and what do we really know?

i wanted to erase these weak posts...


but instead, i decided to expose the barest-boned moment: the moment of truth.
i think of that moment as the split second you make a decision to thoroughly authenticize your existence.


sincerely... i am faulted.
but we all are.

so, why not self-expose the tender points of human weakness, and thereby give inadvertent permission to be flawed to others, and subsequently- to yourself as well.
i admit i worry too much.
this blog is a confessional to deaf ears.
phhhheeewwww. thank goodness i have no readers. i may feel mortified if i knew i did.
this assumed lack of readers allows me to freely be vulnerable while i post an online journal of sorts...
anyhoooo,
so, as i was not exactly saying-
on one hand, i'm feeling embarrassed to complain about petty b.s. regarding my pedestrian employment and other mundane topics...
on the other hand, i am experiencing relief- albeit somewhat- to be able to do just that.
yes, i know i'm rambling.

what i am seeking out is authentic living. sound ridiculous or vague? i used to think so too.
allow me to elaborate.
it is easy to judge that which we do no know.
and what do we really know?
we know our own experiences, our own feelings, our own desires. the rest is assumption. [i'm not referring to the natural sciences or grammar or other concrete subject matter.] we assume that we know where others are coming from. we assume that our experiences are better or worse off that the next person's. we assume that we are authentic if we are living an honest life, out of harm's way.
that may not be so.
the safe life may not be honest, and the honest life may not be safe.
to live a safe life, i mean the life played safe- scripted almost, and without risks that would procure serious repercussions. this may not be honest because that safe zone may not include your dreams being lived out. it may never put the people in your path that may encourage you to live a dynamic-you existence. it may feel okay, but under the surface, an itch that cannot be scratched causes some tension. many often resign this to "that's just how it is." or "those are the cards i was dealt."
i say- come on. re-shuffle and deal again. why settle for the just okay? it may not happen overnight, but that does not mean it will never happen. if we intend to be our most genuine selves, we will be- eventually if not right now. we are constantly changing. our cells regenerate and we are newly formed molecular beings every few months. our air changes, our dietary intake changes, we are different all the time, so shouldn't our needs and expressions mirror that evolution? i don't want to lose sight of my dreams to barely exist. at times my survival mode didn't allow me the luxury to dream big, but i knew i could shelve the dream-fest for a bit, and return to it when the space opened up.
i am blessed to be a dreamer.
now, my dreams are not empire state's building in size, but to me, in my current life/scenario, they are.
i crave creative autonomy, financial security, and emotive happiness- no matter what. i am constantly working on one or all of these areas.
i change my habits often. i have changed my eating habits more than i would like to count, having found what feels best, even if i cannot afford to apply it to my face constantly. i have found a sleeping habit that work best for me, even if i have noisy neighbors, or a snorer in my midst. i have made the most changes to my outlook, and thinking habits. that's the tie-breaker. mentally, i struggle the most. the mind plays tricks on us, causing a hair-trigger reaction to the emotional and physical body as a result. this tricky aspect gives me the most grief in my life. i believe my thoughts and assumptions, even when there is absolutely no concrete or intuitive evidence that i should. this false belief system throws me into chaos mode often. while i wear a solid exterior. ouch. that's not so authentic, no matter how you look at it.
so how can i be more authentic?
first off, to mold one's self into the person you desire to become, even if you aren't sure who she is, takes equal amounts of flexibility, rigidity and stoicism. we must be flexible to adjust to the changes inside us, and in our environment; rigid to keep us on our path, and resist the temptation to slip back into patterns of unraveling; and stoic enough to not assign the terminology "good" or "bad" to our experiences- be both yielding and invisible to them both.
if every mere moment of our consciousness has the possibility to be perceived in a myriad of ways, why not play around with the options? try them on for size. what pleases us one moment may repel us another. like when i was a kid, i hated asparagus. wouldn't give it a chance. but my palate matured as i did, and now i am an asparagus fan. trial and error does not end with youth, and- if anything, our adult years call for it more than ever.
can you remember thinking that "grown-ups" were crazy or weird for the stuff they said and did? did their behavior confuse your youth-logic and consequently- perhaps you even vowed to not be that way?
what on earth happened?
have you become that adult person who both perplexed and scolded your kid self?
said toast, and you walk in:
toast gone, no-one home.
you still can smell it, no?
that type of experience happened and still happens to me alot. some people never have that gift. {i truly believe it is a gift and not a curse. not everyone can handle that gift. not everyone with it does.} in my world, i believe that everything we do is done out of love or fear. hate is often given the title of opposite of love, but is wrongly named. if someone is acting from a place of fear, rather than love, even if that inclination is not obvious, an imprint (a heaviness) is left around where their energetic field was; their space. some have stronger signals than others. some project, like a scream unheard by ears, yet felt on a vibrational level. some are more secretive, or even reserved, undiscovered. if someone is operating from a place of love, it too resounds in the environment, yet dissipates (upwards/outwards) faster as it is light/is lighter. one must be vibrating at an almost identical level to pick up on residual love. think about it this way: conversion/comparison of temperature- fahrenheit and centigrade: at -40 they are equal, then, exponentially, they differ in leaps and bounds as the temperature rises or falls.
where am i going with this?
honestly, i have written this over the period of 3 sittings spanning over 2 weeks.
i truly do not really know.
where am i today? what is going on in my world that i am mirroring out into the stratosphere?
i am getting over a cold. too much stress, and germs.
i am trying to clean a bit. i need to relax and heal.
maybe i am a reflection of the burnt toast in my life, soggy burnt toast. absorbing the maladies of my disappointing existence. perhaps i am just worn out form too much life to handle.
all i really know now is i need more love, and i don't feel it.
love, where are you?
i guess i have to go. i have to concoct some love.

oh- here comes zenobia- she's got some love to share...
thank goodness for cats.