gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Friday, December 31, 2010

fri. dec 31 2010. i'm ready.

as i begin this blob* it is 11:32 am, and seeing as how i am not an adept typist, by the time i am done with this introductory sentence, which is not introducing much of anything, 2 minutes have passed. the edge of my computer is very sharpish and is leaving me with these stripey indentations which are slightly painful too. 11:36 and all's well. all swell. bloated, like i am now. puffy. too much alcohol and- where's my period? i know i left it somewhere...
okay. what am i saying, or rather- what am i not saying?
it's the day before the new year, and i was perusing the interweb for dead people, like i do every year-end. i like to remember people, and sometimes say their names aloud. it's a small way to honor their living selves. regardless of whether or not that maters is of no consequence to me. or them, perhaps. so, in my searching for the dead of 2010, i came across lists famous dead people who died in the last few years, and i started to look up tidbits about them and interviews or what-have-you.
here are three deceased people i am affected by:

~david foster wallace. hung himself. sad genius.

~kurt vonnegut. took a wicked spill and died of brain injuries. kind genius.

~miep gies+. she was 100 years old. brave soul.

what i am most tired of is nothing. doing nothing. leaving behind no-thing worth mentioning. sure, i make some lovely things. so what? many people do. i am a chronic underachiever of epic non-proportions. rather than go down the dangerous road of what i could have achieved if i only... i want to take a detour and make a commitment to do something this year. something small, like finish art projects i started forever ago. selling my work would be great too. maybe i will actually commit to myself- the worthiness of... me as an artist i guess. sounds sappy, so saccharine. i know. i don't care. it's like the fact that so much of what i make sculpturally is downright whimsical or cute. barf. cute! eeew. whimsy. gross. in attempts to make scary or creepy stuff, my work always comes out adorable. i have not only accepted this, but i relish in it now. why fight the facts? i love my cute art. charlie chia is the best! the chupacabank is fangtastic! so doing what i love was not enough, i needed to love what i do. i was embarrassed about it before, but that was lame. now when people tell me my work is adorable, i simply thank them. and if someone makes a snippy comment about my stuff, forget them. anyone who judges the things that make others happy is a turd, and most likely an insecure turd who is afraid of what people think. i don't want to be that person. admittedly, i have been that person in the past. i have suffered from misery off and on. i reject living in miseryville any more. the rent is too damn high there, and the taxes are worse! enough. 12:21 pm, and i haven't said much of anything i intended to.

oh yeah, as i was saying, i want to do something this year. really put myself out there. be available for the good things in life to be my good things. i'm so very tired of looking at the greener grass. what am i doing to make my grass green? not much.
in many ways, i am a risk-taker. in others, i am not. we all have ways we become debilitated by fears, many of which are irrational. i take risks in love. i take risks in employment. i take creativity risks. but have not taken risks in business. okay, i have taken a few but they didn't pan out. i think i am just a tad lazier than i openly admit. until now. there- i said it. i'm lazy in my promoting and marketing myself as an artist... direct throwback to the unworthiness school of illogical thinking and behavior. many people attend that school. i say we burn it down!
yesterday, a dear friend offered to help me with starting up an etsy web page. i accepted. the time is right. isn't everything we do about timing? i have talked about it for years- selling art online, but i never did. i made myriads of excuses for why i wasn't doing it though, some even i believed. i struggled with the pricing dilemma, and the originality dilemma. and who knows what else. either way, for whatever reason, real or imagined, the timing wasn't right. i was learning other valid things that got me to where i am now: ready.

*blob: i am replacing blog with blob. i like that word better, and since no-one reads this but me- who cares?

+ gies and a few other courageous dutch people hid anne frank and her family. gies stowed away anne's writings, and thanks to her doing so, we have a timeless portrait of such astounding hopefulness.

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