moving forward...

did you see the full lunar eclipse last tuesday night the 21st? it was a lovely edition to the winter solstice,
and just the symbolic reminder i needed to move past the crud of the last murky year on this spinning orb.
i know i am not alone in this opinion.
many of the closest people to me have mentioned, at least once- being in a funk or downright struggling. be it employment-related, relationship-minded, or just singing the proverbial blues, the year 2010 has been such a turd.
but since it's the turd that encourages the garden to grow, why not compost the years' worth of ick into a beneficial outcome... who said beneficial must equal pleasant? let me stop making such assumptions, shall i?
okay.
moving forward.
with the "new"* year quickly approaching on our heels, why not unclench our fists long enough to let go of the outdated and burdensome thoughts and or behaviors we have held onto?
let me start with:
1)worrying.
are you a worrier? i have delved into the lush forays of worry.
it has not gotten me anywhere i wanted to be. not only do the physical ramifications of worrying wreak havoc on the body, [see: raised heart-rate, sleep disturbances, headaches, intestinal troubles, nervousness, and poor fashion decisions, just to name a few...] but worry does a real doozy on the soul. it's like saying "i don't trust that things will work out. although i have little to no control over the outcome, i still want to effect my world with a firm hand." realistic, no? every time we put beliefs out there as per the fact that we are above the chaos +/or order of life, does not a new hurdle present itself? hence: when it rains, it pours. look at that however you choose to.
i only hope to worry less in 2011 than this year. practice makes better. perfect does not exist.
2) perfection.
i am a smidge of a perfectionist. i have been told that before i openly admitted it to myself, for obvious reasons. like- the same reasons i asked- in the past- "have you seen my glasses?" when they were on my face. it has been hard to see how and who i really am at times. i am. perfectly imperfect. faulted and caught up. like we all can be. so, what to do?
a dear friend relayed an adage of a wisdom once told to him: it doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
amen to that. i will aim for good-  it feels more attainable anyway.
3) proaction.
i seek to be more pro-active as opposed to re-active. reacting can be more of an emotive response to challenges, or mere disturbances to the status quo of our daily regime. i, on most occasions when stressed out, or hormonal, or blue- have bypassed the thinking and breathing portion of the experience and gone head-on into the re-action option. why? simply put- i was not in the moment. although it seemed as if i was hyper-in-the-moment... i was wrong, looking back on it now. i can choose to calmly step back, note my thoughts and physical sensations and such, and move forward from there. use wisdom to deal with obstacles rather than muscle through them. why fight against the current?
4) expectations.
this may just be the hardest one for me. releasing the need for desired expectations and outcomes- because we desire things to be or go a certain way, we are open for disappointment. tons of disappointment. believing that we deserve the best in life is not realistic, and can be downright destructive even. i want a good stable job. i want healthy solid relationships. i want to travel, go back to school, move into my own apartment. but those things aren't happening now. maybe they will. maybe they won't. if i am constantly in the state of desire/expectation, i am not experiencing what i do have.
one of the only ways i can get back to a grounded point-of-view is to be grateful for that which i do have.
another friend recently told me that my grateful list was not-so-grateful sounding. in effect- that i was grateful with strings attached. i am not truly grateful if i expected more in the long run. i desire the good life- or what i perceive to be better than the life i am currently living. and wanting or dreaming about beautiful things doesn't make one selfish necessarily.
so- today- what am i grateful for?
1] the genuine, loving and kind friends i know.
i sincerely love and appreciate them being in my life. i can't look back and say- any more- that i'm grateful of the few friends i have left. that's like saying "thanks, but it's not enough." true friends are priceless, no matter how many or few one has.
2] my cats.
fletcher and zenobia make my world so much more loving than if i didn't have them in my life. at times, they were all that i had in my life to count on. friends, family, lovers have come and gone out of my life, and the kitties still love me, no matter what. truly unconditional love. that's rare.
3] my health.
i have my faculties about me. my limbs work. i have no injuries or diseases that limit me.

so- perhaps, in conclusion, this new year will truly be a new one. i welcome it.

* "new"- come on. calendar-schmalendar. it's what the date represents to us that we link it to such an important thing. but, since we, as a group of beings, in such a concentrated populous, need order for purpose, let's accept the "new" year as a big deal... okay? what is new? new is an experience, a perception so personal, that it may not even have expressions in our tiny, worded language.