i have managed to alienate most of the people i have loved. or so it seems.
owch.
not going to delve into the lesson about that.
i have managed to get off the path i was on which i thought would lead to my success as an artist and human.
what the heck?
i have managed to gain all my excess weight back, and re-introduce foods into my diet which aren't good for me.
forget why. all i know is- i don't like it.


ever felt like this?
no?
lucky you.

i was perusing the oprah website last night- there's some interesting stuff on there. check it out.
one post caught my eye. although i read only part of the article, it was about the power of our words to make us feel better or worse about our negative experiences and hurdles. making the point that some of us surround ourselves with people who act sympathetic and such, yet who may actually be doing us harm.
rather than hearing "oh my, you must be really in pain. my heart goes out to you." [which keeps you feeling that pain.] if you heard "you're a strong woman, it's going to be better soon." you may believe that, and draw from your inner strength.

so- now, i guess i have to tell myself that. can't really turn to anyone else. either they no longer are in my life, are too busy, or are in a funk themselves. it's up to me to give myself a pep-talk. get right on my side, and not wade in the murky waters of depression too long.
a wise friend once said of depression to me "it's okay to visit, but don't stay too long, and you definitely don't want to live there."
she was also the speaker of "don't should all over yourself."
i think about her generous wisdom, and hold it dear to me when i'm hurting, like now. oh- i may not be in the throes of agony and writhing in pain, it's more like a dull ache... and that's bad enough. but, i'm strong, and will get through it.
i have beaten the undertow of the melancholic bane before, and will do so again.

i am strong. it will get better. i am strong.