gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
adjective:
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
noun:
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Not Enough Vodka

Is it ironic that I was chugging organic tomato vodka on thee rocks as I sprinted to catch my cab tonight at dinner?

Yummers.

Chugging classy swill at an overpriced swanky vegan bistro [that's what you must call overpriced grub-rooms, right?] is one of my fortes. I may have shared with you the fact that you may try to dress me up, and you may, in fact- take me out [please do] but you are not going to get the princess of goddamned Monaco with this dame. Nosiree. I'm classy with a K.
Klassy.
Like KlassyLadies (TM) the first strip joint in my town growing up. 
Soooo klassy. 
Teaching poor grammar to dumb bitches with shitty self-esteem since 1986. 
Ladies: Make daddy proud.

Step One

I need another drink.

{Yes, this is what the people pay for.
 Oh ... they will fucking pay. 
So many typos. 
I am botching this noicrenrfd... I mean nice. }

My puss is snuggled up against my thigh [naturally] acting like she didn't make a mess on my bedspread earlier today. 

Poetic Injustice

 a-la "Photo Booth"

I may as well be a pageant mom

The money shot.
Just not an expensive one.
Her idea.
NOT mine.

What was endearing is now just a messy inconvenience. Fucking laundering my bedding 3x a week is a waste of time, energy, soap, water, cash and tyops. I could be talking about the hotassed train conductor I was ogling tonight. 
But no, my pussy has to go and steal my thunder.
Bitch.

And what's up with that fucking rainbow spinny thing? 
Wait for it- 
my ass. 
Fuck!!!!!

Is this supposed to lure me into a gay trap
Too late...
I already have sugar in my bowl.


After all that spinny waiting, I'm dizzy now. 
Gary, pour me a Caucasian, wouldja?

Yup.

My Caucasian in a Limited Edition 1970's Holly Hobbie classic collectors' holiday glass.
And yes, that's the freshly laundered afghan in the background. 
I am reppin the 70's, yo!

My Muse.

A friend's girlfriend recently said to me that she never saw The Big Lebowski because her cunty teenaged students love it.
 I was appauled. 
What the fucking fuck? 
I mean, these turds are like fetal compared to us, and should they stop her from appreciating a modern-day zenlike hero such as The Dude here? 
I did not think so.
It's not like fuckin' Phish, (pronounced Puh-hish) the worst crap jam band. 

Jam's just redunculous, no matter how you look at it.

First of all, "jam" is utter fucking bullshit... 
Unless it is made from elderberries or some other fruity delight. 

Bitter never tasted sooo good!

I openly admit I hate Phish.
 Firstly because I find their fans repulsive on a myriad of levels only Dante could sympathize with.
 Secondly, it sucks shit through a tiny cocktail straw, as I alluded to. 

An awful idea on 4 dimensions, at least...

If I want to submit extraneous time and energy to drivel of the tuneage variety, I will gladly enjoy a hefty dose of acid jazz. Smarter and darker. 

???

So that being said, if you do not know Lebowski, ask yourself:
Why not?
Because you have no sense of humor or you are embittered because you work with privileged teenaged boys. 

I have no fucking tipsy idea what I was originally intending to address, subject-wise, but if I didn't keep deleting shit, you would read my slurs.

Oh, and "the Boy" A.K.A. "X" blew my phone the fuck up alllllll daayyyy. And I was also told this morning I was being sued by some fuckers who want loot from me where there is none. And I think I may be suspected of causing a very expensive mistake at work- which I totally did not make. And I missed the bus and walked in the cold rain.
Gotta go get f'd up.
Some more.


Cheers, Bitches!

21 comments:

  1. I am very confused right now. Maybe I will have a glass of wine and come back to this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Organic tomato vodka? Sounds awesome, and expensive. If it any consolation Nelson ripped up a brand new duvet this week. Little shits cats are:S

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nelson sounds like he needs an intervention... or a scratching post... or a vodka

      Delete
  3. If you read it after you drink that wine, like I did, it will make perfect sense. The only problem was I had to wait until I sobered up this morning to comment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I decided to NOT re-read it today in my sober state. Why bother? I amused myself last night in my drunken stupor! Glad to know you joined the ranks of "it makes sense when you are stewed"-
      Thanks!

      Delete
  4. I'm confused too - but then it sounds like you are so I guess that makes us even.

    Off to find the bottle of tequila I stashed where son can't find it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Son can buy his own tequila...
      hide it from the cat!

      ANd I AM confused.
      No strange occurrence.

      Delete
  5. HOLLY HOBBIT! That is all.

    No it's not, because now I'm confused at the fact that your post made perfect sense to me...shit...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because great minds drink alike. Holly Hobbit. Why didn't I think of that?

      Delete
  6. Whoever said booze doesn't solve problems didn't... hey! What's on my legs?! Pants. I friggin' hate pants. Where'd I set my beer down? What was that? Oh yeah. Funny post Vi, I'm glad you strangled your kitty. That's a euphemism right?! In conclusion, booze good, post good, kitty good, and pants bad.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hmm... go on, I hear you. Uh huh ... yeah. WTF?

    Here, have a pitcher of Mojito.

    I swear I love the unmotivated butt shot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My cat's butt is as unmotivated as they come... hence the lazy poops!

      Delete
  8. Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

    I learned my lesson a long time ago about vodka. Statistically speaking, there's only so many times you can play in the street before you get hit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was "eat the bar" which makes sense in the scenario. now I need to clean out my ears and listen up.
      At least I wasn't mixing my boozes. Brown+ Clear+ Red+ Amber= PUKE.
      Nothin wrong with a slurry buzz!

      Delete
  9. Oddly enough. *This* made perfect sense to me!

    I have an award waiting for you over at my place and I am officially stalking your blog now. You've been warned. :D

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm wondering if I have some sort of brain issue while reading this...I can follow it perfectly fine, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
    That or I spend way to much time being the sober one...
    I've also realized that I haven't included nearly enough butt shots on my blob...*takes idea runs away cackling*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WOrd UP! and when I read your blob, I thought I don't have enough cock on my blob!!!
      (((((((Takes that and runs))))))))

      Delete
    2. You can never have enough cock. It's the law.

      Delete

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