gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
adjective:
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
noun:
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Fashion FAILS Again!

Fashion FAILS

That's right my lovely protozoa, it is that time again.
Time to talk fashion. 
The no-no kind. 
That's the best kind. 

Any pre-teen to college skank can chatter on and on about stupid "sexy" footwear and high-couture designer outfits she can't will never ever ever afford, but I bring you the fast food of fashion. The mullets of menswear*.


You guessed right:
SWEATPANTS.

Why is it that last week, when I was running early for work, and stopped into Star-fucks for an overpriced anxiety-attack-inducing cup 'o' joe, did I spy with my little eye-

FOUR human mammalian questionable adults donning sweatpants?!?!?!?!

WORD UP:
I was not at the "downtown" (i.e. ghetto) Star-fucks, nosiree. I was on the other side of town, the side which is adjacent to a township in which reside privileged people who only drive luxury cars.
 I thought these twats knew better. 
WRONG! 

Even the hobos in my town know that sweatpants are a faux pas! Yet the whitest, over-educated-est,  pompous-est cockfaces with f'n $4000 dogs need my advice about what to NOT wear when in public. They are begging for it.

But since I refuse to speak with them, I must vent-i (I am sooo cracking up as I wrote that. I refuse to say anything but small medium OR large when I order there.)

Same with my friend Foamy here:
Watch this shit, damnit!

Sweatpants are something most of us own. I have some I paint the house in. And another pair I inherited from Mr. X that I sleep in.
But for our own and the benefit of others, we don't wear them as our daily outfit options.

For the casual look how about these:

Jeans

Crazy idea, I know!

It is probably the creepy guy in sweats we all think of when hearing the word 

SWEATPANTS

SOOO Gross

Either the sweat-y porno "uncle"

OR

Boner Bill here.

Is it okay for kids to wear them?

Yellow here can sport wood, so that's a no for him. 
And as far as lil' red goes, better teach him correct pant etiquette early on.


My favorite sweats to hate are the kind with logos or writing on them. 
These are the biggest offenders in the sweatpant circle.
The following pair made me convulse immediately.

Juicy... my ass! 

Unlike Ms. white-on-white here, I actually have a juicy booty. I do not need to write the word across my ass to draw attention to that fact. And who selected this woman to "model" these anyhow? She is rocking a pancake shortstack that does not even make me want to eat pancakes, and I LOVE pancakes.

Proud to Serve... 

As long as it's a tennis ball, and you are at the gym. 
Or if you are with 33 other cadets being barked at by Cpl. Meanie in bootcamp!
DO NOT GO GROCERY SHOPPING IN THESE!

I swear to all that's holy I will not stand by and act like this B.S. is okay.

Is it a Bear OR is it a Cat?

Do not confuse people. It is rude, and you are already wearing sweatpants!

WTF is a swakker?

HELP.  My brain just melted.

Are those built-in panty outside stitched man-shorts? 
Is she/he wearing open-toed high-heeled army boots?
So many questions. SO few answers. 
I have another question. It is more of a request:

Would somebody please explain these to me?

How EDGY

The dude who wears these gems is getting his gems kicked in.
Mark my word.

FALSE "til" DEATH

Advertising your no-drug approach to life with sweatpants. Classic. Klassic. 
Reminds me of the other guy:

GO TEAM!

As seen worn by that grindey-toothed guy in Walgreen's purchasing all the accoutrements needed to make METH. 
Maybe his girlfriend is wearing a filthy version of these:

Hep C, anyone?

Fake tattoo'd sweats barely cover her tramp stamp. You KNOW she has one!
And while I am on the subject of skanks wearing sweats, let me also inform you that the next photo is NOT acceptable:

Have you had your pap smear done lately? She hasn't.

LAZY wannabe-porno chick tries to arouse her boyfriend. 
She sprawls across the micro-suede couch in a lurid pose, sticking her ass up, as if it were there. 
He is not all over her. 
He is glued to his football vlog. 
She fakes acting interested in his interest, like she fakes her orgasms... unsuccessfully.
Maybe instead of the sweatpant route, a pair of sexy panties would have done the job right. 

Nope. Not sexy either. 

She forgot the yummy Rice Krispies!

It's Rachel Bilson, I think. Wait, who the fuck is Rachel Bilson? To me, she is just some chick in sweatpants with a fancy pashmena to hide her goiter. 
Who is she kidding, other than herself? 
AND seriously, who is Rachel fucking Bilson?

Mariah... oh My-ah!

Some kindergartener is doing fashion advice columns now, or so it seems by the penmanship. 
As if Mariah was EVER the poster child for any suggestions. 
Come on now! 
And those grey monstrosities are killing me. 
No wonder those twats at the coffee shop thought sweats were okay. 

Celebs make bad fashion decisions all the time. 
Do not follow their lead...
Get a clue.

More famous mistakes.

The sweats [these are more like "athletic" pants, but close enough to be just as bad] paired up with the flip-flops make me want to slap him in the red circled area. 
And just last week I saw Downey Jr. in a movie I actually liked. 
His leisure attire example is a go-ahead for these pricks:

Future Date-Rapers of America. Make MOM proud!

I loathe sweatpanted dickheads like these fratbombs more than most. I could write a biting blob about them alone, but in order to avoid a heart-attack I would probably get as I wrote it, I will say this:
I HATE 99.99999999999999999% of FRAT MotherFUCKERS! Evil hater boy's clubs must die!
 Grrrrrr!
That sack on the left with his flops is begging for a punch in his stupid, smug face. 

Oh. My. Godzilla. 
I need a tequila shot!

Pheeewwwww, I am back. Human again.
Sigh.
Okay- returning to the sweatpant rant:

VOID

When actually did sweats and heels come into style? 
I did not get the memo. 
I find this above combo almost as confusing as our friend BearCat
And is it me or is this doodoo brown pair of sweatpants holding up her tits? 

Mythological Contradiction


 I almost can condone the grey winged pair.
To confuse people on a level such as this is almost excusable.
Almost.
Look at the zippy pockets and snap top waistband.
HUH?

What IS NOT excusable are bastardized versions of sweatpantism. Like these:

You know the ones.

OR THESE:

DENIM. fucking. JOGGERS.

I wish I was making that up. 
Does anyone want to jog in jeans? 
If you are running in jeans, perhaps you are being chased by a BearCat. In that case, you are fucked.
You might as well just wear a pair of stupid sweatpants if you want to exercise. 
But you'd better make it worth it.

Jack Black and his exposed nip here can do whatever they want to. 
They are both soo worth it.

I LOVE J.B.

From the silly movie Nacho Libre.


DOWN WITH LAZY FASHION!


(*No, I did not omit the womenswear. It just did not have the same ring.)




12 comments:

  1. TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY those fucking pajama jeans! *Who* are they trying to fool???????

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  2. Oh this was so beautiful. I can't stop laughing. Men wearing sweatpants and their naughty bits just flopping around. I don't think I own sweatpants. I might. They are probably hidden somewhere.

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  3. I don't know... I look pretty good in my JUICY sweats.
    (Vent-i was a pretty great line.)

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  4. Violet speaks the truth. Fashion disasters. I won't go to the corner store in sweats. Gym only wear.

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  5. Jeebus Fuck.
    Thanks for educating me on what I'm missing from my wardrobe.
    Fucking Heels and Sweatpants...
    And here I was even refusing to wear Yoga pants out the house. For shame.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  7. Feckin brilliant post that truly deserves the acronym that is LMFAO!
    Also had me PMSL and LOL...too much? I'll just shut up then.

    Seriously though, this was hilarious.

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  8. Mimi,
    They fool NOBODY... although I found myself getting all incredible hulk-ish when this girl on line was wearing them with brightly colored red fake stitching printed on the sides. And she was yammering loudly on line in a food establishment. Double fail!!
    Nellie,
    I looked long and hard for a man with a proper boner ... and then I searched the web for a photo of said male in sweats. Oh sure, I can find a nip slip of the GD queen mum, but a farty old fuck with wood in sweats... that shit's a trade secret. Go figure!
    Flip,
    I would love it if some masculine men were sauntering around in "juicy" victoria's sexcret sweatpants. please feel free to start that trend. PLEASE!!!
    Jamie,
    Thanks, from the bottom of my blackened little broken heart. But I bet you could pull off wearing a ridiculously short cut-off pair, like in some Swiss beer advertisement. Fashion for irony works, as long as you are not a goddamned hipster.
    Jenni, Maybe the cameltoe/tightey whitey pair of sweats would look nice with some cammo-toe-less buck-shooter wedge heels. Soo pretty.
    Lily,
    NEVER shut up. I love the ramblin' lily! {VS the ramblin Rose...}

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  9. Absolutely awesome post V!

    I would propagate the Death Penalty for people in sweat pants out of the gym or the Army Boot Camp. Am just about to start a Facebook Account on Down(ey) with Sweat Pants and Li'l Weenies! Bwahahahaha!

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  10. Basher,
    Downey should know better... especially since he isn't even making a Vienna sausage jealous! egads

    ReplyDelete
  11. I think it's about time a TV company gave you your own fashion advice programme.

    But it would have to go out late at night.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love that. I could saunter in [tipsy, of course] at like 1 am wearing my vintage mumu and tell b*tches how to dress or not dress. SOrt of like the alter ego of "what Not to wear" but for the pseudo elite crowd. AND the plain ole' horrid!!!
      I would talk trash fashion and hair. And pocketbooks. And shoes.
      AND have a sassy bear [that's hairy/large masculine gay dude for y'all NOT in the know] for my sidekick. I would have him mix me drinks- which I would also critique~

      SERIOUSLY:

      SIGN ME UP!

      Wait a minute- I can do this shit now, right? Isn't Everyone on Youtube??? I need to do this shit!

      Delete

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