i do my best.
and sometimes i do my eh.
being a tad numb lately, i have not made the healthiest decisions about my intake of food and drink.
i'm depressed and flat out broke. right now, my brain is attempting to make a run from my skull.
welcome to the downfall of capitalistic free-market economy, and the lush life of an artist.
i am the fringes, baby.
get a good look:
good fucking morning bitches
i have been, off and on, teetering on the edge of mere existence for a couple years, on a slight to deeply plummeting decline. i openly struggle with depression- and have high hopes for mania. (oh- mania, where has thou gone?)
i have no real job to brag about... yet i work 3.5 hours a week doing something i love.
3.5 as in three point five. not enough to live off of. and yes, i apply for gigs that may actually pay me and maybe even suit me. no luck.
i keep telling myself that most of them are entry-level anyway, and i'm up against everyone from a 19 year old fetus to a post-grad for those shitty jobs! jesus fucking christ- what is going on here?
actually, i get pensive and almost hopeful at times, but that illusion blows away with the wind.
i could change paths and live my dreams- hahahaahaa- heck, i even take tiny stabs at it, but mostly, i end up piss-drunk playing scrabble or watching dumb movies. wash away my troubles. yeah, right.
so i say:
fuck bravely entering the unknown!
i am lazily loitering alongside the unknown- often with a strong fermented beverage in one hand and a flailing fist in the other. i feel justified in being double-pissed. i seek no validation. i am waay past that crap.
super-fun breakdown about my current shit-uation:
~ my apmt lease is up at the end of this month. where am i going? not so sure.
~ my cat zz is ill. and old. and frail. it breaks my heart.
~ i'm waiting for serious test results @ my health. (see: the uninsured. a future rant.)
~ student loan fucks want to sue me. good luck with that.
~ my damned teeth hurt. for 5 years. nice.
~ try to remain positive even though it looks bleak. why?
we all have moments of ups and downs- ebb and flow. the natural fluctuations which bring challenges and growth. i accept this as common knowledge, although i wish it weren't true. my fluctuations are exaggerated when viewed next to the average f'n joe. i am beyond average.
and i'm loosing more faith as time passes.
the sense of hopelessness weighs heavier if you have no lifeboat.
at least i am a good swimmer.