gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Gratuitous Step-by-Step Guide to Violet's Shit du Jour

Weather got ya down?

Lost: power, lights, heat and sanity?

Fear not, you can waste time in new and improved ways!
Enjoy this gratuitous step-by-step guide to the shit you didn't know you could do or not do!

I'm FUN!

Step 1- In the midst of the Franken-storm, you can pack up to move your residence. In the middle of that, freak out and play with toys instead. Because you own fun shit. And who packs consistently? People whose shit it isn't that's who!

Candles don't help if you pack them BEFORE the power fails...
 especially if you do not mark which box they are in.

Step 2- Enjoy the power/heat/etc outages for a week, since you love the ocean and live by it. Do not forget to continue working your jobs so that you are forced to pack or ignore the packing process- by romantic candle light. When you finally get the new house keys, hustle to get a mere smattering of your crap over there. Make sure that you have exhausted your friend-cards for helping you out when you move this time, so you get to do it mostly solo. And having an un-drivable car helps too. Fo-sho!

Stairway to Heaven... or the rest of the apmt!

Step 3- Get as much done as you can, fuckin' relying on the care and concern of the only two people who offer assistance and then you three can schlep up 2 flights of [18] stairs. Enjoy the burn. Hug your friends, because you are sweaty and smell funny. People love that shit. Then play with magnetic poetry instead of unpacking. You will be glad you did! 

Let Me Put My Poems In You

Step 4- Do not watch or believe the news. Ignore the meteorologists and politico. Gasp as your teeth chatter, but say a thankful prayer that you didn't have to work today, even though your evening class ended up getting cancelled due to Mother Nature and your boss of the day gig said some shit about not coming in. 

Liar. That shit's 10" away from the hot water heater. Really! Who does that?
62 degrees- my butt!

Step 5- Freeze for four nights concurrently since the local gas company lies to your face about fixing the broken shit. Curse the heavens. Miss out on hours of work and play running home & waiting for invisible/imaginary service techs. Burn a technological/preordained hole through your cerebellum with excess cellphone usage. Have a sandwich.

Almond/flax butter with wild blueberry preserves- on toasted hippy bread.
Poop-tastic 1st meal in my new place!

Step 6- Cry as you missing your ex, even though you know it is completely the healthiest thing for you to be- solo. Done best in a cold shower, because you didn't turn up the hot water heater and the apartment has been vacant for over 2.5 years. Swear at the ceramic tile floor, even though it is pretty and you wanted one exactly like it. Swear more because were too frugal to flip for the bath mat you saw at Target (TM) but you wanted to buy your cat a Halloween costume instead. Then when Halloween gets cancelled twice, you curse the bath mat, the ceramic and the sales clerks at Target (TM) for only charging you 1$ for the cat's batty costume after you forgot what isle you left the bath mat in in the first place. Leave the store thirsty. Get your moon visit a week early. Crave chocolate.


Step 7- Cry about being cold, then sing Paula Abdul song about it and laugh at how silly you are. Forget which one it is, so you cannot relay it in video form, but assure people that it was appropriate and funny. See if they care or believe you. 
Have another sandwich.

Can't find a cup? Drink from a bowl! Tres Foreign!
I feel international already!!!

Step 8- Tell the gas man to keep your number since you enjoyed conversing with him. After someone finally got there to service the furnace thingy and heating system, and you were forced to risk brain cancer and peace of mind in the process, you feel endeared to the live human who cared to help- even if it IS his job... 
After all- he was also handsome. 

He exited that-a-way...

Step 9- Ignore the fact that your shit is split between a storage unit and at a family member's house. Bug out when a friend tells you to get yo' shit to your house! Write a blob about it and pour some scotch in a cup for yourself. After all, it's a fuckin' blizzard out there! 

Maybe I do need some furniture!

Step 10- Become startled back onto a memory train when your feet touch the cold tile floor simultaneously as your ass touches the arctic toilet seat, and at that exact moment start singing "Cold Hearted Snake." All vocal parts. Laugh at yourself until your pee sounds horse-ish and you splash your bum. 



  1. It may be cold but that tiled floor looks snazzy. And magnetic poetry would be a good name for a prog rock band. Nice to see you back.

  2. I LOVED this post and I adore your glasses. I couldn't go without power longer than a day. You guys are all amazing as far as I'm concerned. That bathroom tile is cute.

  3. Oddly enough, this is exactly what I would've done in your situation. Except I would sing Hall And Oates songs.

  4. "Cold 'n' Snazzy" may be my alt rap band's name- thanks TONY!
    Amazing, my ass, we are a whiney bunch of gits when the weather is gorgeous- but I love New England anyhoo- Thanks SPORK!
    and PAUL, I may just sing Hall & Oates before tonight is over- I returned from work today to an empty cold home... gas man [not the cute one though] will be returning before sleepy-time. Will keep thou posted, because nothing inspires written word like pissed off coldness!

  5. I wish I had this list last week. I just froze my ass off.
    Now I can't get my pants to stay up.
    I guess an ass is pretty important for stuff like that.

  6. Great post! I'm amazed at how well everyone pulled thru that outage. Kudos to you and welcome back, now come back for good on a DAILY basis! You've been missed!!!


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