Please Don't Cut a B*tch

In my extracurricular research using the Google to research hair* color I found some mega-disturbing photos online. I know I live under a rock and all, not paying attention to fashion [other than sweatpant no-nos... Read ALL about it HERE!] or celeb mayhem. And I admit I get my second-hand pop culture references from SNL, but I am okay with that scenario. 

So just now, I was checking this beauty out:

Love that red hair. But which red am I drawn to???

Which lead me to another famous redheaded singer, Tori Amos.

This is how I pictured her in my head from the olden days of like 6 years ago...

EEEKKKK! What's happened here?

So, I got on this unicycle of brain waving about the other women who I no longer recognize as easily due to the cutting of a bitch in the face. Used to be cutting the face was a threat from your pimp, but now, every famous [or so it seems] woman over 12 wants to lop off part of her head and inject an oozing bag of poison inside it. 

This woman used to be a famous starlet:

Remember her in "When Harry Met Sally"

Meg Ryan seems like a different person from this scary woman:

Sally does not live here any more.

I am sad about this stuff. It's yucky and seems like self-torture. 

Am I the only person who gets bummed out when I see this shit?

Another starlet whose photo shocked me earlier is this vamp:

I think Rose's the cat's meow here, but I guess she did not agree.

So she did what every other Hollyweird lady does: 

She cut a Bitch!

 

I had to put 2 pics, because I don't get it AT ALL. 

Entire new face.

I liked the old face better. New face looks older. Poop.

And speaking of older, I KNOW you saw this new reveal:

Just last week on the Today show. 

More like the Tomorrow show.

I swear... I thought it was her mother!

Late 2010. I am not kidding. Lohan. 

She looks real here, right.

This Love is also recognizable:

I Love the messy Love best.

Got clean from smack, got new tits, got a new nose, got extensions, got a tan...

Lost so much more than that.

Now. 

Ow.

I did not post this to be nasty. I just do not get it. 

How is it acceptable for this type of willing facial alteration to go on before our viewing eyes? I am  so grossed out by the procedures that these type of changes entail. 

I can watch open-heart surgery on tv, and I have, but the one time I saw a face lift, I ran to puke. Barf.

Now, I am not perfect, far from it, but I think the imperfections add charm. 

Maybe I just do not understand the so-called public eye chasm, but what the hell, not all women in show biz buy into this crap.

I am also not buying into the argument that "it makes them feel good about themselves" because one has to be a smidgeon of narcissist to be in the public eye. You have to have some semblance of feeling like the shit, no? Why not be the shit?

When I hear interviews with these women who get like 30 MILLION $$$ a movie try and tell these sad fake stories about how they were the ugly duckling as a kid, I find it hard to believe. 

What's next, they are going to try and sell me some magic beans? Please.

This post happened because I wanted to look at red hair. 

Screw it, I am going to stay brown-haired with my occasional illustrious silvers running through it. I earned every damned one! {And I still look younger than most of those cut bitches, regardless! Youth is a state of mind, and with my im-maturity level, I shall remain young for a long long time!}

* I have had un-dyed hair for over 2 years now. I feel naked. I have been dying my hair since I was 11. Don't ask how old I am, it is now considered rude. Do the math, smarty-pants.

And if you call me Ma'am, I Will Cut ya, Bitch!

Fashion FAILS Again!

Fashion FAILS

That's right my lovely protozoa, it is that time again.
Time to talk fashion. 

The no-no kind. 

That's the best kind. 

Any pre-teen to college skank can chatter on and on about stupid "sexy" footwear and high-couture designer outfits she can't will never ever ever afford, but I bring you the fast food of fashion. The mullets of menswear*.

You guessed right:

SWEATPANTS.

Why is it that last week, when I was running early for work, and stopped into Star-fucks for an overpriced anxiety-attack-inducing cup 'o' joe, did I spy with my little eye-

FOUR human mammalian questionable adults donning sweatpants?!?!?!?!

WORD UP:

I was not at the "downtown" (i.e. ghetto) Star-fucks, nosiree. I was on the other side of town, the side which is adjacent to a township in which reside privileged people who only drive luxury cars.

 I thought these twats knew better. 

WRONG! 

Even the hobos in my town know that sweatpants are a faux pas! Yet the whitest, over-educated-est,  pompous-est cockfaces with f'n $4000 dogs need my advice about what to NOT wear when in public. They are begging for it.

But since I refuse to speak with them, I must vent-i (I am sooo cracking up as I wrote that. I refuse to say anything but small medium OR large when I order there.)

Same with my friend Foamy here:

Watch this shit, damnit!

Sweatpants are something most of us own. I have some I paint the house in. And another pair I inherited from Mr. X that I sleep in.
But for our own and the benefit of others, we don't wear them as our daily outfit options.

For the casual look how about these:

Jeans

Crazy idea, I know!

It is probably the creepy guy in sweats we all think of when hearing the word 

SWEATPANTS

SOOO Gross

Either the sweat-y porno "uncle"

OR

Boner Bill here.

Is it okay for kids to wear them?

Yellow here can sport wood, so that's a no for him. 

And as far as lil' red goes, better teach him correct pant etiquette early on.

My favorite sweats to hate are the kind with logos or writing on them. 

These are the biggest offenders in the sweatpant circle.

The following pair made me convulse immediately.

Juicy... my ass! 

Unlike Ms. white-on-white here, I actually have a juicy booty. I do not need to write the word across my ass to draw attention to that fact. And who selected this woman to "model" these anyhow? She is rocking a pancake shortstack that does not even make me want to eat pancakes, and I LOVE pancakes.

Proud to Serve... 

As long as it's a tennis ball, and you are at the gym. 

Or if you are with 33 other cadets being barked at by Cpl. Meanie in bootcamp!

DO NOT GO GROCERY SHOPPING IN THESE!

I swear to all that's holy I will not stand by and act like this B.S. is okay.

Is it a Bear OR is it a Cat?

Do not confuse people. It is rude, and you are already wearing sweatpants!

WTF is a swakker?

HELP.  My brain just melted.

Are those built-in panty outside stitched man-shorts? 

Is she/he wearing open-toed high-heeled army boots?

So many questions. SO few answers. 

I have another question. It is more of a request:

Would somebody please explain these to me?

How EDGY! 

The dude who wears these gems is getting his gems kicked in.

Mark my word.

FALSE "til" DEATH

Advertising your no-drug approach to life with sweatpants. Classic. Klassic. 

Reminds me of the other guy:

GO TEAM!

As seen worn by that grindey-toothed guy in Walgreen's purchasing all the accoutrements needed to make METH. 

Maybe his girlfriend is wearing a filthy version of these:

Hep C, anyone?

Fake tattoo'd sweats barely cover her tramp stamp. You KNOW she has one!

And while I am on the subject of skanks wearing sweats, let me also inform you that the next photo is NOT acceptable:

Have you had your pap smear done lately? She hasn't.

LAZY wannabe-porno chick tries to arouse her boyfriend. 

She sprawls across the micro-suede couch in a lurid pose, sticking her ass up, as if it were there. 

He is not all over her. 

He is glued to his football vlog. 

She fakes acting interested in his interest, like she fakes her orgasms... unsuccessfully.

Maybe instead of the sweatpant route, a pair of sexy panties would have done the job right. 

Nope. Not sexy either. 

She forgot the yummy Rice Krispies!

It's Rachel Bilson, I think. Wait, who the fuck is Rachel Bilson? To me, she is just some chick in sweatpants with a fancy pashmena to hide her goiter. 

Who is she kidding, other than herself? 

AND seriously, who is Rachel fucking Bilson?

Mariah... oh My-ah!

Some kindergartener is doing fashion advice columns now, or so it seems by the penmanship. 

As if Mariah was EVER the poster child for any suggestions. 

Come on now! 

And those grey monstrosities are killing me. 

No wonder those twats at the coffee shop thought sweats were okay. 

Celebs make bad fashion decisions all the time. 

Do not follow their lead...

Get a clue.

More famous mistakes.

The sweats [these are more like "athletic" pants, but close enough to be just as bad] paired up with the flip-flops make me want to slap him in the red circled area. 

And just last week I saw Downey Jr. in a movie I actually liked. 

His leisure attire example is a go-ahead for these pricks:

Future Date-Rapers of America. Make MOM proud!

I loathe sweatpanted dickheads like these fratbombs more than most. I could write a biting blob about them alone, but in order to avoid a heart-attack I would probably get as I wrote it, I will say this:

I HATE 99.99999999999999999% of FRAT MotherFUCKERS! Evil hater boy's clubs must die!

 Grrrrrr!

That sack on the left with his flops is begging for a punch in his stupid, smug face. 

Oh. My. Godzilla. 

I need a tequila shot!

Pheeewwwww, I am back. Human again.

Sigh.

Okay- returning to the sweatpant rant:

VOID

When actually did sweats and heels come into style? 

I did not get the memo. 

I find this above combo almost as confusing as our friend BearCat. 

And is it me or is this doodoo brown pair of sweatpants holding up her tits? 

Mythological Contradiction

 I almost can condone the grey winged pair.
To confuse people on a level such as this is almost excusable.
Almost.
Look at the zippy pockets and snap top waistband.
HUH?

What IS NOT excusable are bastardized versions of sweatpantism. Like these:

You know the ones.

OR THESE:

DENIM. fucking. JOGGERS.

I wish I was making that up. 

Does anyone want to jog in jeans? 

If you are running in jeans, perhaps you are being chased by a BearCat. In that case, you are fucked.

You might as well just wear a pair of stupid sweatpants if you want to exercise. 

But you'd better make it worth it.

Jack Black and his exposed nip here can do whatever they want to. 

They are both soo worth it.

I LOVE J.B.

From the silly movie Nacho Libre.

DOWN WITH LAZY FASHION!

(*No, I did not omit the womenswear. It just did not have the same ring.)