Fun with Dick

This weekend, I went to the local porno superstore:

Appropriately grainy screen-shot taken off Google Maps.

Not like The Money Shot.

It's better.

Inside it's clean and fresh.

Unlike your mind after you leave.

Take it from me... I used to work there. 

Another fab blob for a later date. 

Ask me nicely... I may share stories!

I went with a friend around midnight- after drinks.

 After we had dinner with my mother. 

After a long day at work. 

She bought a treat for her and her beau... 

And I purchased one overpriced glow-in-the-dark condom.

^^^ Like this one here ^^^

And of course, I thought about Luke Skywalker.

So darned cute, he was...

BUT, after I was fervently looking for it yesterday in my bag, I discovered-

EEK- it's missing!

I was missing a piece too...

a piece of ass!

Since we are all grown-ass friends here, I shall be honest. 

I was in need of a good dicking,

 as my girlfriend says [surprise surprise, it was the same friend who I went to VIP with!] 

We all have needs. 

Get over your puritanical tendencies, if you have any. 

Speaking of dick:

Andy Dick is one of my favorite dicks. 

Look at that dumb dog. That dog is a total dick as well.

Not sure what's going on here, but I had to share.

Before Dick Clark was a robot. 

Dick Cavett with his Henson parody.

Dick Van Patten of 8 is Enough fame knows about a good dicking. 

He had 8 f'n kids, duh!

Dang it, Dick Dale! 

Good 'Ole Tricky Dicky!

Philip K. Dick... with pussy.

Dick Butkus.

Sexpot.

Dick Van Dyke as the chimney sweep in LSD-headed Poppins!

Dick York as Darren Stevens #1

Dick Sargent as Darren Stevens # 2

Dick -VS- Dick

WTF!?!?

And speaking of WTf'nF?!?!?:

WHY on earth was Abe Vigoda featured on the Dick pages of the Google?

Readers, I hope you enjoyed my romp through the Dick forest. 

I know I did.

Almost as much as I enjoyed my non-glow-in-the-dicking.

And all I can say about the missing condom is that I was over my mother's house the night after I bought it, before I looked for it in my bag, the bag that doesn't close. 

It must be at her place. 

You should know this: 

She and I definitely do not have the kind of tampon commercial relationship some chicks have with their moms where they go bra shopping and talk about dick. 

Nope. 

We have the other type... 

The one where she's mega-ultra-religious, and afraid of lust & life as I know it and I am an openly psychic, ex-sex-shop employee with a flavor for the absurd.  

Enjoy that condom, Mom!

Now where did I put that gimp mask...

I Plead the Fifth

Recently it was brought to my attention that I need to write an artist's statement, so I may include it with bio and portfolio when applying for shows, grants and residencies, etc. 

He who smelled it- dealt it...

You: "An artist statement?"

Me: "Yup."

"Pompous Bastard" by Tanner Morrow

If you are not familiar with this type of thing, let's investigate it together...

One man describes it as thus:  "Artist statements are simple descriptions of intent taken over by a literary form of cancer."

Nice, no? Does not make me want to take the task on. 

And another person agrees: "Unless an artist statement is kept real short or is to describe some process method, I would just as soon not have to read what is usually a philosophical description that is so full of BS its hard for me to not stick my finger down my throat and vomit after doing so. Let the viewer decide what ‘statement’ any artwork makes."

No wonder I have not done this in all these years! EEK!

Answer: VERY!

When I was working at the art supply shop, we would read the artist statements in the Artsy Fartsy magazines, often taking turns pompously dictating them in funny false foreign voices. Sheer bullshit. (The portraits of the artists were often equally as rediculous.) 

One painter shares this with us: 

"My work is inspired by the natural world. Its beauty and its cruelty. Its hostility and its hospitality. Its paradoxes and its contrasts. When looking at nature, one can't help but see its destruction at the hands of humans. It is virtually impossible to find unspoiled nature. Our planet's ecological balance has been severely compromised, and phenomena such as global warming and the deterioration of the ozone layer affect every inch of the planet. I feel strongly that each of us must use the tools at our disposal to preserve and restore the natural world. As an artist, I employ visual language to address these issues with the goal of awakening interest and inspiring my audience to action. I also work with groups such as the IPCC (Irish Peatland Conservation Council), and biologists, to learn more about each series' subject in order to better understand and communicate its essence. Those who cannot be reached by depressing news about the dire state of our world may be reached by images of its beauty (Ansel Adams successfully showed this) and the threat imposed on it. Art has the power to make one see things in a new light. It allows us to develop a love for places and things that we would otherwise not have noticed, or thought of as ugly or boring. It helps us discover the beauty of the ocean floor, the dirt that is bog, the bark of a tree."

Barf? 

Me too. 

The woman goes on: 

"Rather than re-creating a landscape on a canvas, I aim to express its essence. Obviously, no single work can hope to distill the complex spirit of a landscape, much less the infinitely sophisticated ecology that sustains it. So, in order to capture this richness, I work on a large number of paintings concurrently. This allows me to transport strong elements and effective techniques from one piece to the next. Each multi-layered rendering shares some details with the other works in the series. The overlap of elements enriches each individual expression and deepens the cohesion within the series. Ultimately, each piece captures some fragment of the landscape's power until the larger body of work coalesces to express its deepest essence."

I stopped reading after the first sentence, honestly. I did not even look at her paintings based on my adverse reaction.

This above statement unfortunately is the norm- thankfully, there are exceptions. But they are difficult to find. I want to cavort among the latter. Duh. But if one's statement precedes their art being viewed, then you had better make an impact, using honesty and character. 

But how?

~ INTERLUDE ~

The following images were examples of "Art Snob"a'la the Google:

Douchebag

Kids are the worst Art Snobs EVER!

I call her Paris

"500X Moby"

AXOLOTL is the Snobbiest!

So, how do I share/bare my intent with an outsider, without sounding boring or snooty like everyone else? Obviously one must play the dang game to get the carrot, no? I know that speaking from the heart/core is important, but I am slightly clueless otherwise. 

Any ideas?

It's Not Unusual To Be Loved By Anyone...

And I Love You, Readers... 

Weellll, many of you. 

NO-

 ALL OF YOU!

Tom Agrees

Okay, I was Googling again. 

Capri Pants this time.

Worst Capris to be exact, among others.

Let's go shall we?

Pacer Running Skapris... really?

Looks like it's an ad from the other side of the pond, if the price has anything to do with it.

I do not claim to know this shit UK fashion.

Y'all Brits need to 'splian this look to me.

Should we panic?

These pants fail on so many levels.

B-

(But since they sort-of remind me of Old Time-y swimwear, but in poly-morphic tones with futura fabric, they do not receive a C- or D+. What can I say, I like weird shit. But not like I would wear these... or would I? No. I love how Pants to U's are panties to US. I shall note this, yet not adjust.)

Gayness and Lycra- 

Meet your match!

C

Not low enough.

No bulge.

On second thought...

C-

Moving on:

This turquoise beauties were featured as Capris in the "Worst" category.

Prove to me it is truly capri, I shall be the judge.

I shall also refer to them as Vapris. 

{Vapid+Capris=Vapris.}

C-

(The file name when I clicked it was

  "ruby look thinner dont wear that dear" 

The file name gets an A.)

 Upon seeing those guns above, I immediately thought of Starla here:

Shim scares moi.

D-

And when I think about Starla, I think Body-building... 

and when I scrolled down( Capris Napoleon Dynamite,) these were featured:

Get In My Van

Want Some Candy?

Wannabe Homosexual Clown. Lazy.

Pass.

D-

Doris Day Rocks the Capris, the Torpedo Tits AND Gold Llame Flats!

A+

 Why was this on the Capri List?

pineappleupsidedownpornoslidecake

B+

Punchfest Twenty-Twelve

C-

And speaking of punches...

Right in the hipster 'stache!

Booya!

F- -

Back to Napoleon:

Not me, Rex, not me

C+

Interlude:

"Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it?"

Back to the show:

Check this shit out as I promise you will not be let down. The action fun-flex-photo is ah-maze-ing. Reallly.

B+

(click on hot pink link above for the real deal)

Yes, this gem was actually on one of the researched Capri Pant visualatti list. 

I am contemplating printing it out as an iron-on.

A 

 More Gratuitousness:

LOOOVEE Dave Chapelle!

And Prince!

A

Yes, all these pics on this blob were found on my simple 3 page search for f'n Capri Pants. 

Baddass.

B+

I do Love me some Pedro. 

And his Cholo cousins with their convertible red glitter low-rider... 

Mee-ow!

Someone get me some ice-water.

B

(Grade is for Pedro here. No pants, nonetheless Capris. The Cholos get an A-.)

Happy Frieken New Yarr.

Merry Leap Year.

Whatever.

 Oh- also of the Gratuitousity theme:

My Latest Blob.

GO!

Puss-A-Holic

(another pink link folks)

P.P.S. Check this crap out as well: