gra-tu-i-tous |grəˈt(y)oōitəs|
{ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: from Latin gratuitus ‘given freely,spontaneous’}
1. uncalled for; lacking good reason; unwarranted : gratuitous violence.2. given or done free of charge : gratuitous advice.
vi-o-let |ˈvī(ə)lət|{ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French violette} adjective:
1. a bluish-purple color seen at the end of the spectrum opposite red.
2. a herbaceous plant of temperate regions, typically having purple, blue,or white five-petaled flowers, one of which forms a landing pad for pollinating insects. Genus Viola, family Violaceae.
3. ME.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Jealousy and her ugly sisters- Pettiness and Insecurity

Maybe it's just the change in weather. Maybe it's the change in my living situation. Maybe I ate too late last night. Either way, I have had a hell of a time waking up in a rested, calm state. Can't remember the last time I did. It's been that long. But lately, I have reached into my invisible bag-o-tricks to cope, and it's taken the edge off: The lists of gratitude helped. Sometimes. Affirmations helped. Until they didn't anymore. Writing morning pages was great. Then they were too much effort. I used to go to the gym, or take a jog. Now I'm on foot everywhere I go and am not interested in more calouses. So now what?
Today I tried to do affirmations, but they felt weak and insincere. I tried breathing in the love and light of the universe, but the air was stale. So, I got up and took a long hot shower. I decided to surrender to feeling cruddy, but not wallow in it, and tell myself that the day could only improve.
I enjoyed my walk into work. After realizing that I forgot my apron, and had to wear a silly plastic one, I found myself in a silly mood. Okay, an improvement already. Due to an oversight on my part. The day went without too many hitches, and I managed to keep my mood up.
Then it was time to leave.
Now, at the restaurant, the changing of the guards is usually a pleasant one. Bye-byes all around, and the people leaving are happy to go, and the people coming in are as fresh as they will be for the night shift. For the most part.
So why, I ask you, dear readers, (if in fact you do exist,) do the women* I work with smile in my face and trash me to shreds when they think I am not in earshot? It's simple really...

Let me toot my own horn here for a moment:

A Toots-2-Me List (OR a List of Reasons Bitches are Jealous of Me)
Style. I have oodles of it & no $$. They have money, but no style (& think GaGa is original.)
Brains. I enjoy intelligent conversation. They enjoy TV and... ?
Sincerity. If I ask how someone is doing, I mean it. They m%th#rf*ck them when they walk away. Nice.
Creativity. My worth is not defined by my finances, or my relationship status. I am an artist, who just happens to have a second job. They have nightclubbing and shopping. WHOOOOOO!
Love. No matter where I go, I send love outward. It comes back- in many ways and forms. I know I am loved. Even if I'm having a bad day. They have pettiness and insecurity. How sad.

So- even though I just spewed @ these bitches for being mean-spirited, I have gained a perspective about myself: I'm doing fine.
I don't respect the people who act ill towards me, or behind my back, yet I feel a certain sense of compassion for them. Their lives must be as shallow and as starved as they act. Pitiful.
Yes, I'd like more money, to have things, go places, and not be forced to struggle so much, but in the bigger picture, most people in the world are doing @ the same as me, or have even less. I'm doing okay. Maybe even better than okay.

If tomorrow I wake up and am in an irked state I can tell myself this:
Violet, You ARE Doing Fine. Better than FINE.
And I can put on a fabulous dress and walk to work...

* Not everyone I work with sucks. Some are great. Some.

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